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Intense architecturing and a lack of serotonin. Blatantly real, indubitably feeling.

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Today was disappointing


Since I exempt my english class I had one more free hour. I used it to do homework for the next day and to draw and stuff. I always try to do any homework I can at school so my afternoon can be as awesome as it could possibly be.

I disagree with school’s vision of homework. It’s so we can practice and shit, but in reality it’s not fair. School shouldn’t be able to send homework following you home to bite you in the ass and make your day less awesome. It’s like this, I’m thinking “Oh boy, my afternoon is so full of magical wondrous whimsical awesome possibilities! I could even go to Narnia and ride a talking Lightsabertoothed Tiger! That could fly! And shoot lasers out of its eyes!” And then homework comes along and goes “FUCK NO.”

In fact, I’m making that a quote.

So, on with my day. It turned out to be cloudy. I fucking love cloudy days. They’re the coolest. It’s coldish. There’s no awful sun. There’s this weird awesome vibe the sky gives off. Cloudy days tend to be good days for me. Today was a fucking exception.

They left a lot of homework today. Or at least, it seemed like a lot. And most of ti was really stupid. “Measure a newspaper and make a pie chart showing which percentage of the total surface are is taken up by pictures, text, publicity, etc.” Are you fucking kidding me? …. I already did that by the way. I procrastinated all afternoon and finished it moments ago. Of course, I made a lot of it up, but who the hell cares. It’s the second fucking week of classes. It makes no sense!

The afternoon turned out to be better. I ate steak. Steak is awesome meaty goodness. And salad and tofu miso soup. I had never had the latter. It was weird-tasting, but not bad.

Then I went upstairs finished another homework and wasted time away on the internet. I also got permission to draw a friend. So we’ll see how that turns out. And now it’s 8:31 pm. I have about 3 hours before I have to go to sleep, because if I don’t I’ll get about 6 hours of sleep. Or less. And I like to sleep.

Oh yeah, and the future scares me. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with my life. But I will bet anything, that it will turn out being awesome.

Oh my

It has been some time since I last posted anything. Today marks the start of my senior year. I just want to get this over with. I have to keep my grades up or else almost all future opportunities will be hard as balls. I could be like “Fuck da police” and have a blast out of my last year of high school, but everyone I know expects a lot from me. Hang on. “A lot” is an understatement. They expect me to fucking go and conquer the world and the universe and shit. I’m supposed to get into an awesome kick-ass college and study something I’m not really sure I even want to study and then get out of college and have an awesome job and have an awesome life and make them all feel proud and shit. A lot of friends look at me and my grades and say “Oh, for you it’s easy as fuck, you could not study and still do awesome at exams and stuff”. I don’t say anything about that and try to help them instead. But the truth is, it’s not easy as fuck. It’s hard as balls. It requires a lot of hard work, and I do study. A lot. And I lose all my fucking free time due to working hard on school. And now I’m on my senior year of high school and I look back and look at how hard I worked. And I ask myself “What for? What’s even the point?”. I don’t know what I should study. Everything in my whole life points me to being an engineer. Every single thing. I’m good at math. I’m good at physics. I like being geeky and nerdy. I like science and that stuff. But I don’t actually like doing anything. I don’t like doing math. I don’t like having to talk to people I don’t want to. Sometimes I don’t even want to draw anything. I don’t like sports. I don’t like thinking too hard or overthinking stuff (even though I do that kind of things). I don’t like anything really. The only thing that I have always liked is gaming. It gives me this peace of mind I always need. I’ve sort of thought about what I would like to work on and what I always resort to is playing videogames for a living. Game Tester comes to mind, but you need to know about programming and a lot of other stuff, not just gaming. So after a long time of thinking and deciding stuff (I decided I was going to go for the “Calculus” area of my generation) I managed to narrow everything down to 2 different sort of choices: Become a mechanical engineer and be awesome; or study engineering in systems (which is basically computers and stuff), then study some kind of videogame development course and finally become a game tester and be awesome. But it’s not as easy as that. What if I don’t actually like being a game tester. What if I hate systems and programming? What if I don’t like anything? What the hell am I supposed to do with my life? Everyone’s asking what I’m going to do with my life and I give them the same answer everytime: “Some kind of engineering stuff”. The truth is I don’t know. And I want to not give a fuck. But I can’t. I really can’t. Not with the pressure of fulfilling everybody’s expectations and making people proud and making sure my family gets out of the economic rut it’s been in for a long time now. I want to enjoy what little youth I have left and make the best of it. I want to be awesome and have a kick-ass life and not have to work too much and when I do have to work, enjoy the hell out of it. I want my life to be legendary and when I have kids tell them that no matter what the fuck they choose, they’ll be awesome and they should enjoy their lives as much as they fucking could. Not necessarily with those words.

I recently finished this game called “Metro 2033”. It’s about Russia in the year 2033. There’s nuclear fallout and the people retreat to the metros for safety. There’s this little phrase that keeps cropping up through the game: “Fear the future”.

Fear the future indeed.