I’m tired. I slept about 9 hours last night. I’m still tired. I have a very hard time managing to fall asleep, and even when I do, I don’t get rest. It’s just frustrating. It’s like Charlie Brown falling down right before he kicks the football. You almost have it and then, just by a small measure, you don’t.
It’s the start of my second week of spring break. I have done absolutely nothing. Nothing actually mildly important. I’ve played a lot of videogames. I went to the movies one day to watch a movie which I considered somewhat stupid and overly exaggerated. I’ve watched about 8 or 9 movies in the past week. None were truly remarkable. The one that stands out most is “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. Not a bad movie. Weird though.
I just feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time doing nothing. And I feel like I have a lot of things to do, but I can’t think of anything specific. I was supposed to generally hang out with a specific friend (or some other friends or whatever) but today was the only day we hung out, and we didn’t do much.
My mom and dad separated when I was about 14. I later learned that my dad was cheating on my mom. My younger brother, me, and my older brother all stayed with mom. She did everything she could to give us the best, but our economic situation didn’t really allow that. She eventually had to move to her city of birth, where all her family lives. She took my younger brother with her. My older brother and I stayed at an uncle’s house. After about 4 months, my brother got a job offer to work in the capital. He wants to study gastronomy in France, so he’s working as a chef here in Mexico, and will eventually go there to study. So he left too. For the capital. Now I’m alone with my uncle. I’ve never really been good with people. Talking and that kind of activities really aren’t my strengths. I don’t like hanging out with family. Every time I talk to my uncle he seems angry. I don’t know why. I feel like I should be helping more around the house, but either I don’t have time, or don’t want to.
I feel useless and stupid and I feel like I’m not good at anything. At all. I think I’m going to fail anything I try to do. I don’t like to do anything. Everything either makes me mad, or bored or generally frustrated. I don’t think I’m going to get a job or something. I’m going to fail at life. I just don’t want to study anything. Or work. Or anything at all. I feel incredibly stupid. Like there’s all this things I’m supposed to know, but I just don’t. From the moment I have memory I’ve always been told that I have to go to school, choose a job, study some more, have a job, work like I have no real mind of my own, somehow start a family, somehow teach kids and then die. I hate school. I hate studying. I don’t like any and all jobs. I’m not a people person. I don’t really like children. So I’m bound to fail at life. Death, however, is a different matter. I’ll be seriously good at it. You don’t need anything to do it. That’s why I probably won’t fail at that.
I hate school, because it requires me to wake up early, walk to school have mindlessly long hours of class about things I either already know, don’t care about, or quite frankly will not help me in any way in the future. And then there’s the people. I hate people in general. It’s unfathomably difficult for me to make any kind of social connection beyond “Hello”. I don’t know how to talk to people. Especially girls. Then, after 8 hours of horrible, horrible, slow death at school, I get to go home, walking. I make my own meals (most of the time), eat, go do stupid homework and then if I have time, I go game a while.
I hate jobs because I’m not good at anything, and I don’t like doing anything. I always feel like I have to do something, and almost 99% of the stuff I do, I do it because I have to, not because I want to. It sucks.
Most of the time, if I say something I am ignored. When I’m not ignored, I’m listened to for about 5 seconds and then I’m interrupted. Few are the times I actually get to finish what I’m saying, with people actually listening. I often talk with myself. I’m weird as hell.
All of my friends have a significant other. I don’t. It makes me sad. More so, by the fact that they usually go spend time with them, and I would rather not interrupt their special time, so the time I spend with them is less and less. I’m all alone.
I also sometimes want a hug. You know, just a hug. But with everyone so busy with other people, and busy ignoring me I rarely ever get one. One time I even joked about it and hugged myself. A friend saw it and all she said was “Awww” and then she hugged me. But it was a short hug, and then she just walked away. Didn’t solve the problem. Felt worse afterward.
I’m angry and sad. I don’t usually show it, because if you talk to someone when you’re angry then they get angry and then there’s more and more distance between us. So I can’t even be angry or sad with people, because then I’d be left (even more) alone.
About 3 days ago I was watching some part from the movie “500 days of summer”. It was the scene where expectations are compared to reality. It made me sad, because every single day, reality kills my expectations in some of the most brutal ways possible. Nothing every works itself out like I want it to. Ever. That’s part of the reason I hate optimism.
I tried to be positive once. Failed miserably. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I decided to try again. It’s really hard. I’m kinda giving up again. How can you possibly be positive when everything around you is just messed up and not good? Some would say, “Oh you’re still breathing, so that’s the positive side”. How is breathing any good in this situation? Positivism sucks.
I’m not happy. And I don’t like smiling. Everyone always tells me to smile. I’m not going to smile if I don’t feel like smiling. Stop telling me to.
Sometimes I like to know that other people are sad. It makes me feel like I’m not alone. I can help them somewhat. They sometimes get better. But then I feel worse, because I don’t ever get better. And I’m way sadder than any of them. And nobody ever tells me “You’re not fine, you’re not happy and I’m going to at least help you”. Unless I actually tell people I’m sad, nobody ever knows. And they tried to sort of help. They failed. I still feel like shit, I turned them down, and they didn’t keep trying. I feel all alone, hopeless, useless, beaten.
After a while of being very much alone, I decided I might as well sort of like being alone. Sadly, this became true. I have a better time playing videogames on my own, than hanging out with people. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that, when playing videogames, almost all expectations meet reality. I have an objective, I have a world to lose myself in, and I reach some sort of goals. Expectations are met with success. Reality does a lousy job at it.
By the way, it’s 2:07 am now.
I feel like everything I try is never going to succeed, and that’s how it’s going to be for the rest of my precious little depressive existence, right(?)
I realized something. Parties depress me. They make me sad. First, since I arrive pretty fucking punctual, I get to see each person arrive. I welcome them and say hi, but the way they say hi, or greet me (with a hug or just like anyone else) is not what I want it to be. I feel so unimportant when certain people arrive, say a random hi to me (and I’m supposed to be a good friend of them) and to someone else they hug, or something weird like that. It fucking blows. It’s a tiny fucking detail that nobody really notices, but I always do. It sucks. Then, when most of my friends have arrived everyone starts talking with somebody. Except me. I’m always left alone. Nobody ever talks to me just to talk to me, they just randomly vomit words about them or ask me to do them a favor. Nobody talks to me to know if I’m somewhat alright. Nobody ever notices I’m alone. Nobody ever notices I’m sad as fuck, and that I might need a fucking hug. Just a hug. Someone to hug me and make me feel like I’m somewhat important to them. I feel so not irreplaceable, and unimportant. I’m always alone at parties, never get to talk to the people I want to talk to. I’m boring. I’m a really boring person. There’s really nothing interesting about me. I’m something of a geek. I like sci-fi, starwars, not startrek, I love videogames. I don’t know how to ride a fucking bike. I suck at sports. Even just running. Nobody ever cares that I’m alone, sad, and just plain miserably, hysterically hopeless. When I’m alone at a party, I usually start thinking. Just randomly thinking. And let me tell you something. Thinking is bad. Thinking sucks. When I think, I usually draw conclusions. The conclusions I make, usually have to do with my inability to socialize, even with my friends. My inability to build relationships. I run out of things to talk about really fast. I feel like I’m not going to do anything out of my life, and that nothing I do or am, will ever be of some importance. Sometimes I get to have 2 minute conversations with someone I care about. They are usually 2 second conversations. I feel so alone everyday.
You just figure out that there’s something seriously wrong with you when you spend a better time playing videogames for 4 hours, than spending 4 hours with people you care about, that are supposed to be your friends.
Sometimes I ask myself “What the hell is wrong with me?”. My next thought 2 seconds later is “Let’s not open that door…”. Why do I have so many issues?
I sometimes imagine having a conversation with some omnipotent figure that holds some answers to my life. I ask “Why is life so complicated and full of pain and suffering and it just can’t be easy and comfortable?”. The figure then replies, “Well, because that way when something really good happens that makes you happy, you really enjoy it and know it’s worth it.” I then ask”What if I’ve been through some very sad/depressing shit for a really fucking long time, and nothing good or happy has come out of it, and I don’t get that happy moment?”. The figure then replies, “Well, then, I think you’re fucked, aren’t you?”
Parties depress me because at all parties, I’m met with disappointment in myself, in others and in expectations. I’m also left alone for long periods of time. And it absolutely sucks. But sometimes I get a hug from a certain friend, so I guess that’s nice; right?
Thom: The Beatles. Nick: What about them? Thom: This. [grabs Nick’s hand] Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” The first single. It’s effing brilliant, right?… That’s what everybody wants, Nicky. They don’t want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don’t want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.